for you girls…
Why is 88 better than 69?
You get 8 twice.
New paint store just opened up by my place, so I decided as any
red-blooded, sexually repressed young lad to pay it a visit. When I went
in I saw signs all over advertising the newest color: “Natural Blonde”.
There weren’t any samples around, so I asked the clerk to describe it to
me. He replied, “Natural Blonde? Wonderful new paint: not too bright, but
spreads easily!”
There was an old fellow named Rapp
Who had a job all considered a snap.
In the insane asylum
He’d grade cunts and file ‘em,
And bi-weekly he’d rub up their nap
* Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of
all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.”
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem
doctor” Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
earsplitting yell.” “MY dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely
natural. I don’t see what problem is?” “The problem is,” she complained,
“It wakes me up.”
My friend Janet, who likes stealing food from me, one day became obsessed
with my pack of Nerds (a candy).
I asked her, “Why do you keep on taking my Nerds?!”
She looked me in the eye and she said, “I like nerds.”
And I was thinking, is that supposed to mean something!?
Sent by Christina
One day many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her
husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much,
but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after
several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names
right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur
to us.”
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife
noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would
also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face
inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the
children, the same child always faced the same direction.
“Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the
fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys
were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day
came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is
time that learned how to make a living from the sea.” They
provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a
three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet
the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and
still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a
lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as
her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my
darling boys?” she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
“We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards
hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the
fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled
upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually
the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled
over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we
never saw either of them again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that
must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish.”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”
A mother in Pittsburgh tells of having dinner with her little son and
daughter. It had been a long, trying day at home, and her husband was
still at the office. Both children were fussy and didn’t want to eat,
and her patience had reached it’s limit. She looked up and sighed, “Oh,
God, help me with these children.” Immediately her four-year-old
daughter bowed her head and was silent. The mother was delighted,
thinking the girl was asking God to help her be good. But then the girl
looked up at her and said, “I just asked Him not to help you.”
from “Faith, Hope and Hilarity: The Child’s Eye View
of Religion” by Dick Van Dyke
A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
When they learned of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette
